To those who are on the other side of motherhood

Dedicated to all the future-moms and the never-moms

 

We talk a lot about what happens to the new mothers, to the women who go through one of the greatest transformations in their lives as they become mothers. The identity shift, the physiological, emotional, mental changes that come with it, together with a new focus and attention in life- away from oneself towards another little being. And life as a family. 

We talk less about what happens to those of us around these new mothers. The friend, the woman, who isn’t going through this same transition - maybe not yet, maybe she never will - is also invited into change. Not only because the friendship changes, but because it often awakens something in herself. 

That might have to do with what society shows as the “normal” and “successful” path in life. It might have to do with our own dreams and desires. And with whether or not we trust our path in life. More than anything, I’ve realised that motherhood, from every perspective, has a lot to do with change.

We tend to welcome change more when we gain something - someone enters our life, we have more energy, money flows in - and look at it as something bad when we lose something or someone - like a job, or the situation that our new mother-friend now has less time for us.

Last year, life took me through a proper reset. My relationship ended. Work disappeared. Money became tight. I had to leave the place I started to build a life and move back home. Around me, many of my closest friends became mothers.

It felt like a big loss at first. And at the same time, it also felt as though life handed me a blank page, with the invitation to fill it again, this time more carefully, more intentionally.

Resistance was a constant companion. Not wanting to let go, not wanting to be where I was and so forth - it probably made me suffer a lot more than the actual losses.  

Looking at what we consider losses, a first reaction is often to blame the external thing. Trying to revert it, get it back to what it used to be. But this doesn’t work. 

I’ve found that peace returned only when I first learned to accept the new situation. And second, to bring the focus back inside, asking myself: 

Am I really unhappy right now? 

Or is it my mind telling me things should be different than they are? 

What does this moment show me about what I want for my life? 

How can we find new ways of connecting that honour where we are right now? 

Those are all questions that embrace what is, and that help drive things forward. Getting out of resistance and back into the flow.

Motherhood is one of life’s greatest transitions, for the mother and for those around her. 

And transitions often come with grief. Grief wants to be felt, embraced, the loss and the transition to something new to be acknowledged. 

But they also come with new opportunities. And when we’re too busy trying to hold on to the old, we miss out on seeing the potential for something new. 

Some of us become mothers.

Some of us become something else entirely.

Either way, life keeps on changing all of us.