That is the sentence that my husband Sjors told me the other morning while we were talking about "techniques" for our daughter Opal, almost 6 months old, to get a full night's sleep and at that moment I felt my contracted newbie mum's shoulder releasing!
Let me give you a bit more context.
A few nights ago after a nice shower, we went with Opal to bed earlier, we did a singing story (you tell a story in the form of a song) and she fell asleep so quickly and peacefully at 8:30, leaving us an evening for ourselves, the first one since her birth, a moment of delight for our couple!
The night after that, I felt "Oh this is what works for her" and did the same... but stayed in bed trying to make her fall asleep until 10 while I was not tired enough to lay down for so long. This time she wanted to play not to sleep!
The morning after that, sharing my tiredness as since Opal is teething she asked for the breast much more often than before, my husband came up with ideas to fix the problem. While he was doing so I started to feel an unease as if there was a problem, something that needed to be solved! I noticed that by doing so we were creating a problem... while the situation just required patience and flexibility. Opal was teething, which is an uncomfortable feeling, so she needs comfort for it and finding a bit of ease with it, meaning being at the breast, getting gum massages, singing etc. as many times as she needs during the night. It is not a problem it is just a phase. A phase that will pass at one moment.
The best we can do in my vision is just to be present in what is and try to support her the best and remind ourselves that as with everything this will pass. In this process, while sharing my feelings with my husband, thanks to his sentence, it felt great to remember that no solution is a definitive one as this being, Opal, is constantly changing, just like us and our context.
In this ever-evolving motion which is this wonder called life, there are only temporary solutions. Oh and what a relief to realize this! No need to contract around a structure, a method but an opening to embrace what is and to experience fully and play with it.
As my teacher, Sahaj likes to remind us: "Life is a mystery to live, not a problem to solve!" And yes, having a baby can be tiring sometimes. Yes, sometimes you feel you are hitting below your reserve, and I am not even having it as tough as some other parents, Opal is healthy and I am a full-time mum at home so I can rest ... if Opal allows me to!
But when I am tired I like to remember the words of my dear teacher Tchin Nhat Hanh who said that somehow nothing exists without its opposite, so you can notice tiredness only because you know rest, and you will know rest only because you know tiredness. When I think about it, I feel grateful to feel tired because I know it means at one moment I will really appreciate the rest that will come from it.
Also, I love to remember what my husband told me one day I felt frustrated to not have the time to do my sports for a couple of days in a row. He said: "When I feel frustrated because I want to do something but the moment is not allowing it, I go back to the trust that at one moment it will be the time for it. It is not now but it will come." I repeat this sentence whenever a not basic need (peeing, pooing and eating don't enter into this category) comes to me and can not be met yet. And again I feel my body relaxing and I can flow with Opal much better.
I am not saying that we shouldn't have any structure or techniques for living with a baby/child but for me, in my context, I think they are more useful as tools than as methods. I also believe that all of us or even more children are in capacities of change. So it is okay if Opal sleeps at 10 for now because she can sleep as much as she wants during the day, and I believe that when she goes to school we will make a shift towards an earlier bedtime because in this context it will be what she needs. I don't feel the need to train her from now on for that because it is not her context and therefore it doesn't make sense yet to us and creates unnecessary contractions for everyone.
So yes these sentences are my mottos as a new mum:
"Everything will pass"
"Nothing is permanent but a temporary solution"
"The moment will come"
"Nothing exists without its opposite"
They allow me to shift my mindedness from contraction to release, from "it should" to "it is", from fear to love, trust and embrace.
By sharing them I wish you find yours in your path to parenthood, honouring your way, and trusting your capacities and context, forever evolving.